To Live and Die and Do Stuff in L.A.

These are things I plan on doing in California this weekend:

1. Have sweet, sweet monthly sex with my long-distance girlfriend.

2. Get up early and go for a run along the beach for some last minute training before next week's Chicago Marathon.

3. Go to some sort of museum with the GF. Museums are kind of suck-ass, but when you're with someone fun, they're as fun as anything else.

4. Meet long time blog friends in person for the first time, Laughing Through My Chardonnay and SO@24. A few years back we would have hilarious IM conversations dubbed Eifel Tower Sessions that would either turn into deep probing therapeutic talks or completely off-the-wall disgusting revelations, both of which were equally rewarding. So, it will be good to have a happy hour with them and create "Eiffel Live."

5. Perhaps see one of my oldest friends who has been living there quite some time, and he has a birthday on Saturday. He's been playing in bands for years, and he may even play a show for his b-day, which would be great fun.

6. Go to In-N-Out Burger

7. Then a couple more rounds of the old monthly in-out-in-out with the lady.

8. Fly home Sunday and go back to my cold and lonely life back in Chicago, back to work with very little sleep.

Today's Funny Hood Story, Sept 27, 2011

Every Tuesday I work on the West Side of Chicago where I'm the only white guy for blocks and blocks . . .

Today, my boss in those parts, Mr. Green, wanted to get the attention of a big and ugly kid and said, "Hey, Big Ugly!" What's funny is that Big Ugly walked right over without being the least bit offended that he had just been called big and ugly.

Then Mr. Green started asking him if he played football because of his size, and I said, "Yeah, look at the hands on that fella!" His hands were maybe the biggest things I've ever seen and could have probably held two footballs each with room to spare.

Big Ugly could be very "handy" on The Chicago Bears offensive line this season, and it would be the best nickname since the last time we were really good and "The Fridge" played on the team.

Stop Complaining About Getting Laid Like Crazy, Rivers.

When I was running tonight, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer was singing to me about how tired he is of having sex. Now, I know the point of the song is that he was having meaningless sex with random women and wanted to be in love, but all I could hear is a guy whining about too much sex - and here I am without sex for a month.

My girfriend is in California, and when she was living in Chicago with me, we were hitting it all the time. Now I'm missing her so badly, and I don't think I've missed more than 2 or 3 days of wanking since she left. Seriously, I'm so tired of internet women. I hate these two dimensional, giant breasted women saying filthy things to me while they pretend to like baby batter sprayed in their stupid faces. It's weird, but I really do hate these random internet chicks. I just envision them being loaded up on cocaine and VD, doing it in front of a room full of dudes holding microphones and stuff. What's wrong with those phillies?

I just miss my girlfriend, and not just the sex. I miss her. Yeah, we video chat, but it's just so hard because she's right there . . . but she's not. No, we're not doing any cyber sex. If it happens, it happens, but right now it's just good to see her face every few nights, especially the funny expressions she makes with that face when she tells a goofy story or reacts to something gross and/or off putting that I say.

So, anyway, Rivers, don't talk about how sick of boning you are because I'm hornier than a jack rabbit over here. I'll see her when I fly out to Cali on Friday, and I can't wait! No wanking until Friday. Yeah, I had 3 today, but none for the next five days . . .
----------------
PS: If you're my mom or my sister and you're reading this post, I'm sorry.

You're Entitled To Your Opinion; Your Wrong Opinion

I was just listening to a very funny podcast with Adam Carola and Artie Lange, and Adam was saying how people claim that how funny something is is a matter of opinion, so they can claim "Murphy Brown" was funnier than heyday Simpsons," but they're wrong. He goes on to say that if people can be so called experts on subjective topics such as wine or art, then why can't he be an expert on comedy?


Wow.

I was so glad someone said this because it's always something I've felt, but I've never been able to frame it quite this well. I knew a chick once who said that she never liked "Seinfeld" and she thought "Friends" was funnier. This was before I was dating her, so I was just trying to tell her that she was flat-out wrong. Then we slept together, and somehow I forgot how someone with such atrocious and idiotic tastes could possibly be right for me. In any event, you just want to say to people like that, "No, you're wrong."



Music is the same way. If someone tries to tell me that 3 Doors Down is a better band than Pink Floyd, I'd just say, "Okay, you're welcome to your opinion, but your opinion spells it out very clearly to me that you are a cultural invalid."




Now, music and comedy are things that I think I know enough about, but films are a little different. I know "Boogie Nights" is a much better movie than . . . let's just say any of those crappy Robin Williams movies. That's fact, but if someone said that "Citizen Cane" is better than "3 Amigos," I would like to say that "3 Amigos" is better because I'd much rather watch it, but I'd be pretty sure that I was wrong. I just don't get "Citizen Cane," but I trust the experts when they tell me how good it is. Still, when El Guapo gets that sweater from his band of marauding banditos, it's just funny as hell. I mean, why would he need a sweater in the desert? "It's a sweater!!"



Okay, anyone want to agree, disagree, or hate me for life for any of this?

I Have No Topic Tonight . . .

. . . so let's just see if there are Wikipedia pages for the first 5 weird and/or disgusting things I can think of:

1. Fear Boner: If you watch "The League," you know that this is when you're so scared that you get an involuntary erection. It didn't make it onto Wikipedia. Yet.


2. Herve Villechaize: Yes the midget from TV's "Fantasy Island" has a page, and here are some fun facts: He insisted on being called a midget rather than a "little person." He was difficult on the set, propositioning the women, arguing with the producers, and when he demanded a salary on par with Ricardo Montalban, he was fired. According to his butler, Herve never got over losing his job on the show, and he spent a good deal of time drinking in a dark room while watching episodes of "Fantasy Island" and cursing at the television. That's actually kind of how Dr. Ken spends his evenings . . .


3. Slump Buster: Believe it or not, when you look this up, "Hogging" comes up and is described as "the practice of groups of men who target overweight or obese women, typically for sexual encounters." This is also called "big game hunting," a term I'm actually not familiar with.

4. Ron Bykowski: He was the token white guy in George Clinton's Parliament/Funkadelic, and despite playing on a bunch of classic records, he does not have a Wikipedia page. This is kind of messed up because all the other obscure names I could think of who came in and out of the band over the years had a page dedicated to them. I know one record I have lists him as the "token white devil," which is nothing short of outstanding. I'm a big fan of Funkadelic, as evidenced by the picture of George stepping out of the Mothershp, which you can see has been my profile picture on this rag since day one. This has led some readers to think I'm Black, but in actuality, I'm more like the Ron Bykowski of the group.


5. Zubaz (pronounced Zoo-Baz). Yeah, there is a page for these awful, awful pants. I learned this: "In a 1993 survey in Inside Sports magazine, Zubaz finished third in the voting for Worst Thing to Happen in Sports that year." Also, "They hoped to make a short that would stretch and expand with the body during a workout." I was surprised to read that company went bankrupt because it's quite a debonair look.

So, what have we learned? Well, "The League" has yet to be given credit for the terms it has created, some midgets are okay with the term midget, every once in a while something that is more of an "urban dictionary" type of thing sneaks onto Wikipedia, you have to do a little more in your career than be a token guy of a different race than your group to get a page of your own, and Zubaz are just as ugly a look as I remember.

So, Last Night . . .

. . . I was at a party with Beatnik and Gung Ho and some other folks, and things got really out of hand: We were all totally shit-assed.

As we were leaving, I just remember someone pointing out that the exit sign in the hallway was smashed and dangling off the wall. I don't remember hearing it get punched or whatever, and I have no idea which of us did it. The girl who lives there came out into the hallway and was pissed, rightfully so.

What's incredible is that I talked with both Gung Ho and Beatnik today, and nobody is sure who did it.

It was truly a mystery. A drunken, stupid mystery.
------------------------------------
This is one of those posts that is so dumb and pointless that I centered the text to make it seem somehow more important.

Drunk Quiz Thursday

I'm trying to post every day, and today I'm topically bankrupt, so I found a site called blogthings.com, and look at all these great drinking topics:




What Mixed Drink Are You?
What Kind of Drunk Are You?
What Flavor Martini Are You?
What Flavor Margarita Are You?
What Alcoholic Drink Are You?
What's Your Beer Personality?
What Should You Be Drinking?
What Kind of Wine Are You?
Are You a Party Girl?
Are You a Drunk Diva or a Crunk Chick?
What Cuban Cocktail Are You Quiz?
What Hangover Cure Are You?
Are You Beer or Wine?
What Type of Beer Are You?
The Cocktail Test
The Martini Test
What Color Martini Are You?
What's Your Celebration Drink?
The Fancy Cocktail Test

I think we'll go with "What Kind of Drunk Are You," even if the one about "Drunk Diva or a Crunk Chick" is intriguing.

Who are you most likely to drunk dial?

Everyone you can think of
Your best friend
No one - you'll be too drunk to dial
Your ex
Random people, probably strangers
Your sponsor

How come your current girl isn't a choice? I guess I'll go with the best friend.

If you were going to get arrested while drinking, it would be for:

Attempting suicide
Talking back to a cop
Fighting
DUI
Indecent exposure
Drunk in public

I will say "drunk in public." I just don't get people who talk back to cops. I see it all the time, but when the cops come it's time to, as Gancey's Sister says, go to shut-up school.

Where do you do most of your drinking?

In public, with a brown paper bag
During pub crawls
At home
Dive bars
At parties
In your car

I gotta say "at bars" for this one. I hate staying in on weekends, but I also hate spending hundreds of dollars at stupid bars. I actually have to find projects to do to keep me out of bars. Saturday I know I'll take it easy because I have a 20 mile run, volleyball tournament, and Gung Ho's mom's wake the next day, but Friday I need a really good reason not to spend pointless money at bars. Help me out guys . . .

When you drink, you also like to:

Dance
Perform
Drink more
Cry
Sleep
Fight

I'm going to say perform because of all the damn karaoke I've been doing, but "drink more" is also a good choice. "Cry" is a funny option . . .

Finally, what's your poison?

Something warm
Wine
Nail polish remover
Rum
Tequila
Beer

For sure beer on this one. Sometimes I do wine during the week but just a glass or too. Hard liquor gets away from me in a hurry, and I'm way too old for more than one shot in a night.

Anyone else want to answer a question or two in the comments?

Parade-Shitters

All the time you hear people say, "Don't rain on my parade," but as my girlfriend, LSD, points out, who really likes parades, anyway? I think it's widely agreed upon that fireworks, whether done professionally or shot off very unprofessionally with no shirt or shoes and a beer in your hand, are way cooler than any stinking parade. So, don't rain on my fireworks? It doesn't quite work, does it?

LSD and I were saying how parade rainers, or as I call them, parade-shitters, can really bring you down. I'm sure you know the type: They're critical of everyone, they get annoyed when others have fun, they complain about everything, they're control freaks . . . any combination of these or any one of these to an excess would qualify as a bonafide parade shitter. Essentially, it's the person you envision when you listen to Bob Dylan sing "Positively Fourth Street," specifically the part about what a drag it is to see him/her (probably her).



So, here at The Gancer, to update this phrase, and to tie it in with the whole shit thing, here is what we shall use henceforth:

"Don't shit in my picnic basket."

You can just see it, right? Some jerk just opens up one end of your wicker basket packed with goodies and just craps all up in there, ruining everyone's afternoon with no regard for anyone but himself. That's just what the picnic-shitter does. He shit in picnic baskets.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Would you like to contribute a phrase of your own in the comments?

Yet Some More Gancey Updates

1. I have interns for the first time of my life, and it's a lot of fun but sort of more work, at least at first. In the long run, they're going to help me with the insane workload, but right now I have to run all over the place and keep checking back in with them to give them stuff to do. You know what I have noticed that is funny? When I drop some bomb-ass knowledge, or just say anything, even goofy stuff, they write it down. What a power trip! I hope they don't share these notes during their college courses or their professor will think they've signed up for Kramerica.

2. LSD, the girlfriend, will have been gone to L.A. a week tomorrow. You know what's annoying is when haters are blatantly negative about us trying this. Yeah, I have made some piss-poor choices with women, but now I'm a grown-ass man, and I know for a fact that I'm doing the right thing. Believe it or not, this was a conversation I had with someone today at work.

Dr. Ken: So I was thinking of taking that Friday off since I'll be going to L.A. and there will be nothing going on here that day.

Coworker: Yeah? Why are you going there.

Dr. Ken: My girlfriend lives there.

Coworker: That's what you're doing now? Dating a girl living in California?

Dr. Ken: Yup.

Coworker: Why?

Dr. Ken: Because she's my shit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That just says it all. In fact, I could hear that at a wedding.

Priest/Minister/or Whoever: Do you take LSD to be your lawful wedded wife?

Dr. Ken: Yeah! Duh! She's my shit!

I'm Tired, and This Is a School Night . . .

. . . so this is going to be brief and full of typos. I got all of my work stuff done tonight, had a half-assed workout, and settled in for the first game of the NFL season with some really crappy wine that tasted like ass vinegar. Let's say you drank wine out of someones butthole, but all you had to chase it with was vinegar - that's what this tasted like. It gave me a mild buzz, but it made up with it by sinking me into a deep depression. Score!

I saw a commercial for the Gene Simmons reality show, and he is finally proposing to Skinimax star Shannon Tweed. Man, I wanked to her movies so many times . . . Anyway, now she's beat up looking, and so is he. I just wish these rock stars would not do these awful reality shows where they're all old and embarrassing. It was bad enough when Ozzy reduced his legacy from being the front man for the founding fathers of heavy metal, Black Sabbath, and an outstanding front man and performer, the true heavy metal madman to . . . an old man hobbling around his apartment, helpless without his wife and he and his kids saying the f-word every few seconds.

Then along comes Gene. Once he was a fire breathing, blood spitting, long-tongued pussy licking Jewish beast-man rocker, and now . . . Well, now it looks like he's having heart surgery, and a couple of years ago he had maybe the worst sex tape of all time where he mounted some young girl with his big belly flopping into her, to the sounds of "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner (no one should intentionally bang to that after the 80's - let alone video tape it) and the girl didn't even bother to take off her flip-flops as her legs wrapped around the aging embarrassment.

I guess I just want rock stars to stay young forever. I'm not saying I want them to die young, but if they live, I'd just prefer they go into some sort of rock star witness protection program where they are never to be filmed in any way again. They play golf and talk to one another about the good old days, playing Madison Square Garden and that time they had insane groupies sticking squid tentacles into their snatches.

What's Really on My Mind . . .

. . . is that my girlfriend just went out of town for 2 years, work this year will be the most challenging of my life, and my poor aunt had to pay 2,000 bucks to get thousands of bats out of her house.

But instead of writing about any of that, I'm going to write about random crap such as . . .

Check out this freaky octopus that pops out of that plant like the T-1000 in the 2nd "Terminator" movie. If I were that diver, I'd have crapped, not unlike that spray of ink.



And here's a video of Terrel Owens crying for having no money. Wow. Can we get Sally Struthers and maybe she can shoot a video of him with some flies buzzing around him while he's starving in the dessert, and then folks can send him the money they work for, doing things that are much less fun than playing a game? I mean, did you hear him? He has mortgage payments for superfluous houses he shouldn't have bought and child support for bastard kids he probably shouldn't have conceived during awesome parties you and I will never go to.

Get More: The T.O. Show 3, TV Shows, Full Episode Video, Reality TV Shows

That's the kind of useless crap I feel like talking about tonight. I'll let you know when I'm in the mood to talk about what's really on my mind. Thanks for listening, Seven Readers.

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 4 (The Final Chapter!)

As this is the fourth and final installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!


LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 4) – Liner Notes

22. Wilco "Say You Miss Me"

This is yet another song that came up when I did a search for "miss," and I forgot how much I like this one.

I've been sleepin' alone, out on my own
I'm sure it seems like I'm takin' my time to get back to you
You been doin' your part, working real hard

Yeah, there's some stuff about getting back at each other that totally doesn't apply, I hope, but it's a good song, huh?



23. Promise Ring "Skips a Beat Over You"

This song really doesn't have much to do with anything except that I know you like this power/pop/punk type of sound, and I love this cut. Also, it just peps up this disc a little with a quick 2:01 of rock.



24. Ween "Stay Forever"

I had to get some Ween on this list, and this one seemed to have the right vibe for the occasion. I went to a wedding a long time ago for a friend of mine named Bubba, who has since refused to be called that, and he and his wife danced to this song for their big dance. It was a great day for Bubba. And Dr. Ken.



25. Grandaddy "Summer . . . It's Gone"

This is the song that made me want to make a list like this, and it's the absolute perfect song. If you have to skip a few tracks on your road trip, fine, but just don't skip this one. It has that theme of summer ending, all the fun ending, and it's time to get serious (go to school, or whatever), and that's something we have all struggled with since we were little kids. Grandaddy can lay down miserably awesome songs with the best of them, and this is a great example of that artistry. We need some sad ones on this list for a little catharsis. Shit, I'm sad listening to it now but in a good way.



26. Guided By Voices "Teenage FBI"

This song has no relevance whatsoever except that you wore my "Teenage FBI" shirt when you slept over all the time, and that's a shirt from an softball team a million years ago of the same name and named after this very song. It's one of those big and bad-ass shirts that you don't have to worry about shrinking, and it has served us both well.



27. Joe Cocker "With a Little Help from My Friends"

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)

This song fits perfectly, whether you associate with the TV series, "The Wonder Years," or not. Actually, I heard that the "friends" referred to masturbation, which may be a friend I'll rely on more than ever, but in the literal sense, we'll need our actual friends a lot. What's sad is that you'll have to make almost all new friends, but you did so well at that here in Chicago, so I'm sure you'll be more than fine: To know you is to love you. And that's the truth. : )



28. Built To Spill "The Weather"

Yes, another BTS song sneaked onto the list, but I just think this song is so damn beautiful.

And the wind and snow, and the rain that blows;
none of those would matter much without you.
As long as it's talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

I feel like I'm finally with a girl who I can talk to all the time and not get sick of, and even more amazingly, you don't get sick of me talking. I have a lot of stupid ideas and a warped sense of humor (as evidenced by this blog over the years), and I have never felt like a woman has ever really "gotten" me, but you do. I'm a lucky man.

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 3 of 4

As this is the third installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 3) – Liner Notes

15. Journey "Lights"

I know this is the second song by Journey on here, and I really did not set out to have two cuts by such a goofy band. Sometimes corny songs feel good and make you laugh on a car ride, and also you want to get back to your "city by the bay," being a Bay Area girl, right? Again, the song is yet another lament by Steve Perry being away from his main squeeze. Steve Perry speaks to us, and that's not something I thought I'd ever say. Let's just move onto a better song . . .

16. Cure "Love Song"

I don't need to explain to anyone why this is an incredible song, so for this one I'm just going to paste in all the lyrics. I guarantee everyone in the world has felt at least one of the sentiments in this song. It has to be the most simultaneously depressing and uplifting song of all time. I'll just shut up and paste those lyrics:

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

-->17. Rolling Stones “Miss You”

I think the notion of sleeping all alone and waiting by the phone is kind of like how we'll feel a lot over these next two years, but if I get that call from a buddy saying he's got a case of wine and some Puerto Rican girls just dying to meet me, I'll give him a polite no thanks because I got my boo in California. I think this track adds a little funkiness and a disco vibe to the mix.

18. Janet Jackson "Miss You Much"

I thought it would be funny to include this song, but it kind of sucks, right? This is the only one I really wish I hadn't included, but with any luck you'll like it and dance like Janet in the car.

19. Inxs "I Need You Tonight"

I have always contended that this is the best booty call song of all time. This dude was so sexy. I will just never understand he could go out wanking it on a doorknob, hanging himself, or whatever. That's just no way to go.

20. Three Dog Night "Old Fashioned Love Song"

I like this cut because it reminds me of being a kid because my folks were always playing these guys on the record player, and I dig it for this list because it's about love songs and how they can make you feel, which is kind of the purpose of this endeavor, right? : )

21. Blue Image "Ride Captain Ride"

I remember hearing this one on my ipod when we were getting ready to land in San Francisco for that great trip that you and I had, falling even deeper in love and realizing that we could never get sick of each other, even in what my own buddy calls the "relationship pressure cooker:" the vacation. Chicago will always be our city, but so is San Fran because I think that's when we knew it was on for you and I even if it meant we had to get through a long distance thing or whatever else came our way.

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 2 of 4

As this is the second installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 2) – Liner Notes

8. Led Zeppelin “Going to California”

Okay, again, not so creative, but I really do like this live version with the country lap steel guitar sound. “Took my chances on a big jet plane. Never let them tell you that they’re all the same.” Also, I think this line applies, given your undertaking: “Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems."

9. Travis “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time”

I mostly put this on here because you went to Britney in the second row, or whatever, but also this is a good version to have because it’s hard to find. I read an article with the Travis guy, who I think is an incredible singer, and he said that they started doing the song as a joke, but eventually he put so much heart and soul into it that the words began to mean something to him. “Oh baby I shouldn’t have let you go . . . My loneliness is killing me . . .” I can see why those words might mean something to a guy like myself.

10. Motley Crue “Home Sweet Home.”

Yes, this is a hair metal ballad, but it’s pretty awesome. It’s surprising you don’t hear this one at the bar more like you do with “Livin’ on a Prayer.” The song has that message of being home sweet home, coming down that long and winding road to be with your loved one, or whatever, but it also needs to be on this list just to add some rock and balls.

11. Whitney Houston “I Will Always Love You.”

This song is pretty craptacular, but it will always make me laugh thinking about you belting it out the window on the way back from the same wedding as track 5. You were just going for broke, voice cracking from some of the harder notes, but pretty much nailing it – at least I thought so, but I was drunk. Hope you sing it with at least half of that gusto when you hear it now.**

12. Method Man and Mary J. Blige “I’ll Be There For You

The original song already had some good sentiments, but Meth delivers lines like “all that romance crap to show you love.” Okay, that’s not such a good part, but I like when he says “Even when the skies were gray, you would rub me on my back and tell me ‘baby it will be okay.’” FYI there is around two minutes where they break it on down where I wouldn’t be mad if you skipped it. I just wanted to get some good rap on this list.***

13. Milli Vanilli “I’m Gonna Miss You”

Okay, this one came up when I did a search for “miss,” and I laughed my ass off. If you don’t have fond memories of this song, I understand if you give it a skip. I just picture those goofy dread locked dudes from Germany lip syncing with the record skipping and smile every time. Still, I think it’s kind of a sweet song.

"But there was nothin' I could do to make you stay
I'm gonna miss you"

or

"Giving all the love I feel for you

couldn't make you change your point of view

You're leavin'.

Now I'm sittin' here, Wastin' my time
I just don't know what I should do"

14. Neutral Milk Hotel “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.”

I remember lying in the bed over by your place, and you asked me to keep playing “pretty songs” on the iTunes. I recall that you liked this one, and I liked how it felt lying next to you listening to it. I figure there will be many “Aeroplanes” in our future over the next couple of years, not necessarily over seas, but lakes and rivers for sure.

This line is good:

"What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun"

And so is this one:

"And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me."

-------------------------------------------------------------

*This isn't the version of "Going to California" that I put on there, the actual one being the version from the "How the West Was Won" disc.

**Okay, that's not Whitney, but that kid is putting it down, whether he knows what he's saying or not.

***This youtube is also a slightly different version, and I think I like it better than the one I put on her disc. Darn!

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 1 of 4

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable. Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 – Liner Notes

1. R. Kelly “Bump N’ Grind.”

There really isn’t a great reason to put this one on here aside from the fact that he’s from Chicago and we did a lot of bumping as well as grinding in the last year. Also, I thought this one might make you laugh because it cracks me up. "My mind's tellin' me no!!"

2. Wilco “California Stars.”

This has always been a feel-good song for me. They’re from Chicago and the song is about California, so what the hell. It’s actually taken from a poem by Woody Guthrie, and I can’t see anyone doing a better job at turning it into a song. It’s also a good driving with the windows down and the wind in your hair type of song – I think.

3. Built to Spill “Car.”

I wanted to be sure that I had a BTS song on here because they’re just about my favorite band; for sure my favorite from Idaho. Will you be driving through The Land of Potatoes? Anyway, the song says “You get the car, I’ll get the night off. You’ll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works.” Also, he says “I need a car, you need a guy who needs a map,” so that makes me think of you and Suzy in the car with a map, and Suzy getting the “night off” of work to drive with you.*

4. Marvin Gaye “Distant Lover.”

I did a search for “distant” or “distance” on the iTunes and this one came up. I had forgotten what a great performance this was. He was driving bitches crazy that night! Anyway, Dr Ken and LSD will be distant lovers for sure. Boot up that Skype, I'll grab some Kleenex, and “let’s get it on” like Marvin!

5. E.U. “Doin’ the Butt.”

I think you will recall driving home from that wedding and me singing this one to random Black folks getting out of the bar in the middle of the night. Plus, I just think you and I sang this goofy one so much to the point that it became a good song. I still need to hear this one at Liars Club before I die . . .**

6. Journey “Faithfully.”

This song is really corny but awesome, and it perfectly expressed what it was like for Steve Perry to be apart from his lady while on tour. One line that is equally gay and amazing is “I get the joy of rediscovering you.” Fuck it. I love this song. I’ll tell the world! I remember listening to this one on my sister’s stereo before I had a CD player. I love those drum fills starting at 2:52. “being apart ain’t easy on this love affair,” but we’ll be stronger for it – I just know it.

7. L.L. Cool J “Going Back to Cali”

There is nothing deeper that went into the logic of putting this song on here except that you used to live in Cali and now you’re going back there. Still, L.L. says “I don’t think so,” which suggests that he would always be representin’ Queens just like you represent Chicago, or wherever we end up together.

Stay tuned for parts 2 through 4, Seven Readers!

------------------------------------------------------
*Suzy is her buddy who is driving with her and taking a flight back to Chicago, just so that LSD has some company. Nice, right?
**I think Spike Lee being in this video gives it some street cred.

My sister was telling me a story about a girl she knew in college who was the male equivilant of a c@ck block. There was one incident where a girl was hitting it off with a guy at a party, and this c-blocker walked right over there, grabbed him by the hand, took him upstairs and got it on with him, later excusing the incident by saying that she "just needed it."

This is when Dr. Ken's sister demonstrated that she is related to me by being equal parts clever and gross when she said that she coined this young woman's nickname: The Beaver Dam. I just love that . . .

You know any other female c-blocker terms?

Is Mark Wahlberg an Asshole?

Well, you be the judge. I did a search on google of whether or not he was a jerk or an asshole, and this is what I found. Now if anyone else searches, I hope this post is the first thing they find because I think I put this Asshole Assessment together quite nicely.

Here's a clip of him threatening to beat up a guy interviewing him just because he calls him an action star. He's doing it in jest but it's a little too much - Mark seems like a bully type that's not yet fully grown up.

Here he is saying that with all his boxing training in movies, he could knock out Manny Pacquiao if he could get in a sucker punch. Also, he says that he punched someone recently and fish hooked another guy's eye socket.









According to his biography on IMDB, this is where he came from:

Wahlberg dropped out of high school at age 14 (but later got his GED) to pursue a life of petty crime and drugs. He'd spend his days scamming and stealing, working on the odd drug deal before treating himself to the substances himself. The young man also had a violent streak - one which was often aimed at minorities. At age 16, he was convicted of assault against two Vietnamese men after he had tried to rob them.

Yes! Beating up minorities! I knew he was an asshole, but this extends to straight-up evil.

What got me on this quest was listening to his commentary in "Boogie Nights" where his phone keeps going off loudly and he never bothers to silence it and at another point he takes a call from his travel agent. The director of the film, Paul Thomas Anderson, had great conversations with the other members of the cast, all of them pointing out scenes they liked and elements of the characters, often characters that weren't theirs, that they enjoyed, while Mark Wahlberg just asked when it was over because he had to go, bitching about the movie being too long. With the other cast members, the conversation just flowed, but with Wahlberg, he had to be prompted to say things, and without fail he would let out a big loud yawn and talk through his yawn. Really, Marky Mark? You didn't know how long the movie was going to be, and once there, you couldn't muster up some enthusiasm or turn your damn phone off? Without that movie, he would never be respected as a serious actor the way he is now, just a serious asshole, so the least he could do was act mildly interested.

Then during John C. Riley's, a much more talented actor, let's face it, portion of the commentary, he tells a story about how during the pool party scene, Wahlberg had his whole entourage with him, now made famous by the overrated HBO series, and he was testing everyone, seeing who would put up with his crap and who he could get a rise out of. People were pushing one another into the pool, but Marky Mark would do it to the same person four times just to get under their skin. Riley says that he doesn't have an angry streak, but he had low blood sugar from not eating and was tired of Wahlberg's crap, so when he got hit square in the forehead in front of everyone with a Marky Mark thrown marshmallow, he just lost it and attacked him. Good job, John C. Riley. Someone needed to stand up to the bully, so I'm glad you had that low blood sugar that day (Also, John is from Chicago so that makes him awesome. I really don't like that for his IMDB biography, the first line is "With a homely mug . . .")

I guess I wouldn't have gotten so mad about Mark being such a turd in the commentary if I didn't love this movie so much; "Boogie Nights" is my favorite film of all time, and when I hate the actor, it ruins the character for me. Dirk Diggler, or really Eddie Adams from Torence, was a sweet innocent kid swept up into a world of sex and drugs, latching onto Jack Horner, the director, and one of the female stars like a father and mother, whereas Mark Wahlberg just seems like an outright butthole. Hopefully with time, when I watch the movie, I'll just see him as Dirk and not the a-hole bully. After all, I was worried that all "Seinfeld" reruns would make me just think what a racist dumbass Michael Richards seemed like at the time, but now he's just Kramer.

Anyone have any thoughts on this guy or know of another celebrity being a jerk? How about one who is supposed to be a jerk but you found them quite nice/misunderstood?