Sunday, September 05, 2010

Big Business

I saw a friend last night who is the funniest guy I've ever known. He is a heavyset fellow with a thick Chicago accent, and anyone who meets him is laughing his/her ass off and waiting to hear what he will say next. I met him my freshman year of high school, and ever since he has been the most consistently funny person I have known, and I'm a pretty tough critic, being a fairly funny guy myself.

Here are some of his crowning achievements:

1. In the Earth Science class, we were handed out a worksheet with a heading of, "The Big Bang and the Day After." He whispered to me, "Hey, Ken. The big bang and the morning after." The teacher heard him and threw him out of the room.

2. When he got thrown out of class, he would make a giant blowfish face on the glass for everyone but the teacher to see.

3. We used to drive around together in his giant Buick listening to gangster rap, throwing McDonalds Playland balls at other moving cars, and tipping over portable toilets. This doesn't sound fun, unless you're Beavis or Butthead, but with this guy, it's a riot.

4. His nickname given to him by his work buddies is Big Business because he handles his damn business. When he hooks up with women of a heavy variety, he says they are "Business Class." He did so last night with one who was thick as a brick. God love him. Believe it or not, even if he is a heavy guy, the man is outstanding with the ladies. I had the post a couple blogs ago about needing a wingman in my newly single state, and this guy may be the guy. He works the room, fishes with a big net, and even if we don't have any success, we will always have fun together.

5. We had another teacher who Big Business used to drive nuts with his class clown antics, and one day when she asked where my book was, Business said, "He burned it." Without asking me if it was true, she called my dad to inform him that I had burned my Reading book. I get home, and my dad says, "So, you're burning books, huh?!"

6. During a bachelor party on a trolley, he pulled his pants down and pressed his butt cheeks up against the glass for a girl to see waiting at the bus stop. We all watched her as her glance slowly went towards that direction, and bam! She was horrified and looked away immediately. Hahahha! His brand of comedy sounds low brow, and sometimes it is, but he's actually highly intelligent and witty too.

7. His brother has struggled with drug addiction his whole life, and Business is basically raising his brother's two daughters, since his brother disappears for months at a time and steals stuff when he does come around. Those girls mean everything to Business. Okay, that wasn't an example of him being funny; just awesome.

There are a lot of qualities to a good friend, but one who can always keep you laughing is so important to me. Also, he's a guy who is there for you when you need him at the drop of a hat. Here's to you, Big Business. You're one of finest humans I'll ever know. I hoist a glass of your favorite drink, Vanilla Stoli and Diet Coke, in your general direction.


JerseySjov said...

big guys can have lots of charm if they have a big personality go with it. i for one find husky men way more attractive than skinny or even super muscular dudes

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: So Vince Vaughn has got to be your dream dude cause he's funny too, right? I think the two of us can do well together at the bar consistently because we are a lot of fun but have that trustworthy vibe to go with it. Thanks for coming by, Jovi. Wait, does everyone think you're a Jersey Shore fan because of your screen name?

Ms Smack said...

He sounds like a riot, I agree!


JerseySjov said...

vince vaughn is pretty hot. nobody has every made the connection between jerseysjov and jersey shore before...i made the name like 2 years before the show came on, but regardless people can see from my little picture that im not overtanned and underdressed

Kris said...

I have a friend just like him. But instead of Big Business, his nickname is usually Small Penis. Eek.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: Yeah, I'm just laughing nonstop around him, which is good for the soul.

Jov: Yeah, I know the name predates the show, but I'm surprised people don't think you're into that piece of shit show full of actors trying to act even more stupid than they really are. I see that show, and I just think I should get a bomb shelter before "the whole shit-house goes up in flames."

Kris: That isn't a very cool nick name. I'd probably develop a pretty good sense of humor if I had that tragic name.

Athena said...

sounds like an awesome wingman. If nothing else, he'll provide the funny.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Athena: Oh yeah. He brings the funny like a muthafucka. Thanks for coming by the page!

HeatherLynn said...

Yes, you're going to need to bring big business with you when you come to see me at the pumpkin farm! fo sho! :)


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Lynn: Yeah, The Biz would never leave a pumpkin unpooped.