Wednesday, September 01, 2010

My Doorway

First off, thanks to all of you for lending an ear and giving me all that encouragement. I'd like to announce that there will be no more talking about me being a sad bastard because I'm headed in a great direction. Thanks again.

So, there are two things right outside my front door that really piss me off: A fat evil cat and a really persistent spider.

My downstairs neighbors have an outdoor cat named Loki who for the most part just lays his fat ass on the porch all day. He is a really crabby sonofabitch, hissing at most everyone, but he grew to like me because I would just say, "Hey, big boy" as I walked in and out of the house, so then he was familiar with me. This wasn't necessarily a good thing because he then wanted to rub against my legs, but then when I try to leave, he tries to scratch me! He's an evil needy little fucker! Now I have to make sure I got my keys ready to quickly lock it and carry something long enough to keep him at bay. The other day he clawed me up really good, which is great because Loki no doubt rummages through garbage and kills Chicago rats all day with those claws. I swear to God I damn near picked him up and punted him across the street. When I told the neighbors about it, they weren't even that apologetic, and in fact, they were kind of laughing about it, saying he's like a fat kid with emotional problems. Yeah! He is. And he has dirty ass claws that stab me, and I could be telling the landlord about this, a-holes. But, I won't. I'll just keep getting those keys ready and keeping a newspaper handy to shoe the little F'r.

Then I have a spider in my doorway who keeps building an intricate web in the top left corner. Very often I walk through it, screaming as I pull the webs out of my hair. I've seen him before, but I don't kill him because I just feel that would be shitty of me since he's eating so many bugs for us. If he really wants that spot so bad after his web getting wrecked so many times, he must see it as a spot worth the risk, right? What's annoying is that it only happens to me since 3 of my roommates are too short and the one who's an inch taller than me is never home.

These two culprits are lucky I'm a damn pacifist. Anyone else have any pesky critters?


Heff said...

ALL Cats are EVIL, it's just a question of "To what degree".

Kill the cat (they LOVE anti-freeze hamburger),

and keep the spider.

Miss Organizized said...

I tried to eliminate my car's sideview mirror spider web 9873592454 times and spider keeps building. I don't need car bugs eaten!! It drives me crazy!

BeckEye said...

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Heff's right. Cats are evil.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: Kill the cat, keep the spider kind of reminds me of leave the gun, take the cannolis.

Miss O: Jeez, that guy hangs on for dear life on your way to work and back, and then builds that web again every day? Based on your and my spider experiences, I'd say there's a good chance spiders have no memory.

Beck: Heff's always right. He's my new guru. Still, I learned to love cats, just not this guy. He's maladjusted.

Bink said...

Spiders will rebuild their web in less the 5 minutes from the time its destroyed


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Bink: Thanks for coming by, buddy! Man if that's true about the five minute thing, I may have to kill the little bastard. Maybe I'll feed him to the cat. Two birds with one stone, sort of.

b.burjan said...

i was attacked by a praying mantis earlier this week

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Burjan: I saw that on your FB page. Is this a sign of Armageddon? An animal revolt?