Thursday, July 26, 2012

Bring Your Screaming Kid To Work Day

I was extremely hungover from cheap draft beer while on my lunch break at my part time job, and it seemed as if it was Bring Your Screaming Kid to Work Day.  They were all playing off each other like the most perfectly awful orchestra of all time.  The worst culprit, of course, was seated (more like standing in his booth) directly next to me.  This young man looked to be around four years old and was just yelling away, and not in the way of an angry fit because he was smiling.  No, this rapscallion was bellowing to his heart's content just to get his jollies, and what really bugged me is that the parents didn't say anything as he did this over-and-over.

You have to understand, after dealing with the public for all those hours, I just wanted those 15 minutes to be somewhat quiet.  I realize parenting is difficult, but if you don't say anything to the kid screaming for no reason, the kid gets the message that he can do whatever he wants.  Why don't you just let him drive home if that's how it's going to be?*

After the seventh or eighth howl, I let out one of my own.  If he did another, I did another.  If he banged the table, I banged the damn table.  As this continued, I started to get odd looks from the surrounding patrons, and some moved away from me, but I could get no reaction from the family I was trying to annoy.  At long last, the kid's mother said to me, "Could you please stop doing that?"  I said to her, "Gee.  That's something I thought you might want to say to your kid, since he has been carrying on like that for my whole damn lunch break, but you feel it easier to ask a perfect strange to stop doing it, even if in my case it was just to make a point?"

Zing!  I had this awful parent right where I wanted.  Nope.  This is when she told me that her son has Autism and can't help doing that.  "Oh," I said.  "That's a rough one.  God bless you."  Then I got the hell out of there and some tables booed me, some threw fries, and I narrowly missed getting dowsed in a Jamba Juice.

*The events in this story stop being true after this point.


sybil law said...

Was that the scenario you had in your head so you kept your mouth shut? Did the mom look pregnant, too? Hahaha

Mr. Shife said...

Damn it I did not want the disclaimer that you embellished your story. Hope the hangover is gone and you are on your way to another one. Have a good one, Dr. Ken.

Radioactive Tori said...

I LOVE that twist at the end about the last part not being true. As I read the story I was feeling bad for you and when I got to the very end I was so relieved. I mean it totally sucks when parents have no control over their kids but I'm glad the last part didn't really happen. Kids can be loud and not predictable but when mine did that whwb they were little I got my butt up and left with them. It wasn't always my favorite but that is what a parent needs to do. They learned quickly that if they wanted to do fun things they had to be polite well behaved kids.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

sybil: i often do things in my head like that. i'm like john rambo in my head but woody allen in real life.

shife: hangover kind of lasted all day, but i just knocked back 2 stiff margaritas.

radio: you sound like the best mom ever. you really remind me of my sister all the time.

Cocaine Princess said...

What an post!

I hope your hand is better and
I'm guessing by now your hangover is gone.....

Candy's daily Dandy said... that is a brilliant word.
I gotta check the Urban dictionary

Heff said...

FUCK !!! You let the wind out of my sail right at the END, LMAO !!

Michael5000 said...


Hook, line, and sinker, here.

Sista said...

Awesome post!!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cocaine: hand is just about better. thanks!

Candy: I think you'll find that one in the regular old dictionary. I got it from Mr. Burns.

Heff: Sorry, bro. I didn't really get nuts with that family. I just have nutty stories like this swirling in my head at times like that.

5000: Ha. Didn't mean to trick people, but I also don't want people thinking I'm quite nutty enough to do stuff like that.

Sista: Thanks, sis! boom!