Kickball for Grownups

My friend, Oates, asked me to sub on his kickball team.  I told him no, but he said that if I didn't, they'd have to forfeit.  So I told Oates that if they couldn't find anyone, I would do it.  Well, he couldn't get anyone and I had to fill in.

I was telling my roommates as I was suiting up that I was pissed about having to go.  I really wanted to just go to the gym and go to sleep, but here I am spending a beautiful summer evening in Chicago playing a stupid recess game.

How dumb that there is a league for that game, right?  While you're at it, why not have a league for the game of Tag?  Better still, Freeze Tag?  Or how about a Red Light/Green Light, Mother May I, or Simon Says?  Kick the Can, anyone?  If you really wanted the GOAT kiddie game, put together a Ghost in the Graveyard tournament!

Then I get there and go 4 for 5 with a home run, zero errors, and we won.  Suddenly I'm a fan.

As it turns out, I think my hate for the game was more out of a fear of sucking at it.  That must be that borderline personality* of mine kicking in.

Hey, readers, anyone heard of any of the aforementioned leagues or played in anything goofy, like a Wiffle Ball league?

--------------------------------------------------------------
*See the angry comments I received in this post if you care for an explanation of this diagnosis. 

Sex and the City Part 2, Part 2

In part two of the video commentary over the movie, Crom, Dr. Ken, and Southie really start to get funny, to us anyway.  I think it was the perfect level of a little buzz from a coupla' beers and we hadn't yet gone fully nuts from a long and boring chick-flick. 

Highlights:

1. Southie evidently wanks off at the office sometimes

2. The option of dropping the women of Sex and the City into Afganastan is deemed "an act of war" by Crom.  

3. The boys decide which Ninja Turtle. Golden Girl, A Team, and member of Wu Tang best fits their respective personalities.

4. Due to a rapid change in the appearance of Sarah Jessica Parker, the boys explore the notion of her playing a female Joker in an upcoming "Batman" sequel. 

Check out the Link, let me know what you think in the comments, and stay tuned for the final 2 installments!

LINK!

I'm Not Rob Anymore!

I have been putting off a lot of things because I'm moving in a couple weeks.  I'm not buying a lot of groceries and I'm not ordering anything to this apartment, which means I haven't ordered a new book to read.  A friend was over and gave me back my copy of "High Fidelity" by Nick Honrny, and while I am not even sure it is, in fact, my copy, I decided to give it another read. 

It's still a very funny and insightful book, but I can't fully relate to Rob, the protagonist, anymore.  There was a time, not long after I read it, where I was him, and most people who knew me would agree.  I was way too interested in rock music to a snobbish degree, I actually worked in a record store for a long time, and I got miserable over failed relationships and played sad songs until I cried.

I'm not that guy anymore.  I'm not Rob!

Even the last relationship I got out of, I was really hurt (even if it was painfully obvious to everyone around me that it was the wrong woman for me), but I bounced back beautifully.  I took all the right steps: Never called her again, cut off all mutual friends, work out like an animal, and got right back into the game with other women to feel good again as quickly as possible.

What I did 5 years prior was more like what Rob would have done: Wallow in self pitty spinning Smiths records, keep trying to figure out what went wrong, feel inadequate about myself in every way imaginable, and let it affect my personal and professional life to a marked degree.

Now look at me.  I'm getting my own place with the woman I love, leaving this frat house with the four roommates behind, I love my job and it's going great, I'm staying in shape - and at 35-years-old (the same age as Rob in the book), I'm finally an adult.  I should have been this guy when I was 27, but I have no regrets.  I grew up one way or another and I've had this blog full of goofy tales to mark my progress, albeit a slow process.  Thanks for reading those of you who have been along for the ride, and expect more grown-up style writing to come and some goofy stuff too  . . . I still gotta be me!

Sex and the City Part 2, Part 1

At long last, the video podcast of myself, Southie, and Crom doing a commentary over "Sex and the City 2."

Forgive us for some off color jokes, but there was beer flowing, it was long and terrible, and this led to some cabin fever insanity. 147 minute running time!  Why?!

So this is just part one, broken up into around 30 minute clips, available for download or just for watching.  Hope you all enjoy!

Special thanks to Crom for all his hard work on the editing process, and an apology for Southie for his crimes against humanity with his awesomely sick brand of humor.

LINK!

Greetings

When I was a kid, my dad started getting these mysterious dirty greeting cards delivered in the mail.  Because they were unsigned and there was no return address, there was no way to tell who was sending them or why.  We could tell it was a male's handwriting on the envelope, but that was about it.  I don't remember how, but my dad figured out it was a good friend of his who would pick up a dirty greeting card in whatever town he was traveling to for work and send us these hilarious cards.

Even after we knew it was him, he continued to send them every now and again, still with no signature, and I would be the first to rip open the envelope to see the dirty jokes and naked people, even if they were usually cartoons - they were still naked.

It was really sad to hear that this friend died a few years back.  I wish I could have known him more as an adult because he seemed like my brand of people.  

Sometimes You Gotta Slap a Foo'

The first time I saw this clip of Will Smith shoving and slapping a Ukrainian reporter I was pissed because it looked to me like Will leans in there to have the sides of his face kissed and then gets pissed when he gets the expected result.  However, after further review, he says that the guy tried to kiss him on the mouth, which does appear to be the case.  Now I'm kind of in favor of the slap.  If you let reporters kiss you on the mouth, you'll let them do anything to you.  Then the next red carpet event rolls around and the Ukrainian reporter is putting a finger in your ass.  I've seen it countless times at these things . . .

Eating Marijuana

I saw this article where some guys opened up a shop where you can go in and have some Marijuana cheesecake, for example.  In Oregon, medicinal marijuana is legal, so you have to have a card saying you can be "treated," and once in the door, everything is free and everyone shares pot to smoke or eat. 

There is a Ganja Gormet in Denver that opened in 2009, and this doesn't surprise me because Denver is a pretty laid back and progressive city like that. 

One customer said of a "medicated" beef and broccoli, "You can't even taste it that much."  So it may taste a little dopey, but it's much better for your lungs than smoking it.

What do we think about this, Seven Readers?  It doesn't bother me one bit, unless it's filled mostly with people with bogus reasons for the cards.  Actually, that doesn't really bother me either.  Who cares, right?  Smoke your brains out and eat the shit out of that cheesecake for all I care . . .

I Learned Something When "Vacationing" in Wisconsin . . .

. . . they have commercials for gun stores.  Something was very unsettling about it, especially when they had a sale on a big ass assault rifle for $1,500.  Is that a good deal?  More importantly, should anyone be buying one of those for personal use?

They don't have those ads in Chicago.  Have you ever seen one?  Just curious . . .

Here's the only one I could find on Youtube that looked legit, but it's not as funny as the Wisconsin one.  I do like that there's a lady's night.

Sissy Boy Syndrome

Can you believe that is what a psychologist called the "disorder" that he "treated" through a government funded program in the 1970's?  It sounds more like something we would accuse your friends of being afflicted with when they are the first ones to leave the bar.

He believed he could cure young boys of gayness.  He instructed the boy's family featured in this video to ignore him every time he did anything deemed effeminate.  Well, he isn't gay anymore.  He's dead.  A lot of people call this treatment child abuse, and I tend to agree. 

What a messed up concept it is thinking you can turn people straight.  I believe you're just born one way or another.  I say this because I have met plenty of obviously gay 1st graders over the years.  And they were all great kids just the way they are: nothing needs "fixing."

Get a look at this video if you have a second. 

And try not to accuse your buddies of having Sissy Boy Syndrome because that's just rude and offensive.  Funny, yes, but out of line . . .

I'll be out of town this weekend, this time running 22 miles around Lake Geneva in Wisconsin.  Sounds a lot more hilly and "challenging" than I thought. 

So I may be writing more when I get back because guys who can't walk have a lot of time for blogging.

In the meantime, how's about the 10 most painful shots to the nuts?

Are You an Animal Lover?

Anyone ever see this couple?  I don't want to ruin it for you, but they do it with a horse.  No, they don't show it (thank God, plus that would probably be illegal to post anywhere), but they do talk about it in detail: The horse does it with the wife, and the husband lets the horse do him in the can.  

Sorry you're offended by this.  If so, click away now.  But if you want to delve deeper into these weirdos, by all means . . . 

1. "One thing led to another" and you were blowing a horse for the first time?  That sounds like a couple having consensual sex on a one night stand at a bar, and this is nothing like that; This is forcing sex upon a horse.

2. So he sees her getting it on with a horse, and he is turned on and wants to marry her?  This could be a possible angle for the long awaited season finale of "How I Met Your Mother."  You know, if I had to pick out of a lineup a dude who had sex with animals, I think without having seen this clip I could probably guess this guy would be into something along those lines.

3. The husband says that the true pleasure he gets is not from getting it in the wazoo from the horse but knowing that he is making the horse happy.  What a guy.  What an unselfish lover.  More importantly, what a whack-job deviant scumbag!

4. Hold on a minute . . . The horse blows in his ear and he thinks that is something it does for his benefit?  It's a horse!  And she says that the horse is "courting" her?  These people fail to understand that a horse will put its horse wang into anything handy.  They make like the horse is a suave natural born lover like Richard Gere in "American Gigalo."  No.  It.  Is.  A.  HORSE! 

5. This fella lets a horse bite him while he gets it in the butt from a horse?  And he is on television talking about it?  His mom must be proud.  Wonder if he brings the horse by mom's for Christmas.

Get a look at this clip.  Anything else I missed?  Leave your thoughts in the comments section.  And sorry if you're a little grossed out.  I'm a little uneasy myself.  I need to wash my brain of this couple.

Bruce Wayne's Batcave Shitter

Don't you just when you have to go number two in your single stall, unisex bathroom at work, and just as you're sitting down, someone knocks on the damn door?  Then you have to do the "just a minute" where everyone knows your voice because it's so damn deep, sultry, and let's face it, sexy?  Now, what this interrupter should do is go use the identical bathroom one floor upstairs or just come back in a minute, but what she's going to do is a straight up stakeout and wait outside where I can see her feet pacing.  Who do you think you are, Richard Dreyfuss?  Now I feel like I have to go fast, knowing full well this not one of those fast ones.  So she's going to know that I take terribly long dumps, and because she'll be going in just as I'm headed out, she's going to know that this one was rancid and God awful like a sick person poop.  And thanks to her stakeout, she can now put a face to that awful smell.

What I would like to have is a Bruce Wayne Batcave Shitter.  You just know that at Bruce's place of business he had a similar problem, and being a forward thinking type of guy, he would get the guys who built his batcave at home to make a secret shitter batcave at his work.  All he does is rotate a statue of Rodin's "The Thinker" counter clockwise, and voila!  A bookshelf opens up to a passageway where he sits down in a shuttle that whisks him off to the cleanest most spacious shit house in all of America.  What's more, there is a television in there where he can catch an inning of the Cubs game too, or whatever baseball club plays in Gotham City.  Then he probably takes a picture of his turd and texts it to The Joker just for a laugh.

Yeah, this is what I think about at work.  I fantasize about the best work bathroom in the world.

2012 Cubs Game Damn Shame Game Two

Who Went: The Uncle, Southie, and LaFontaine.  This turned out to be quite a solid crew of funny men.  I like to be challenged by dudes as funny as me, and this day didn't disappoint.   

What I Drank: Let's see here . . . A crappy blue moon variation, a skunky rolling rock, a bunch of microbrews, and a host of watery domestics.

Who Won: My Cubbies won on a walk-off walk in 11th inning.

Today's Revelation: The four of us all agreed that there is no comedy sequel that is better than the original.  The only ones that come even close are the second "Austin Powers," the second "Naked Gun," and perhaps the best is "Christmas Vacation" due to its staying power in that a lot of people watch it every year.

Miscellaneous: We met over at Yankee's place because it's right in between all of our places, and it was already raining.  Then while we were there, a thunderstorm started, delaying the game.  Looking at the radar, it was not looking like there would be any baseball.  So, while we were holed up in there, we drank beers, watched the NBA Playoffs, and spun records (most notably a couple great Clash ones).  We then made it over to LaFontaine's local bar, and when we looked up at the television, the game was on after hours of delays!  We decided to walk up to the park, but Southie had to bow out because he wanted to get home by 5 (something that certainly would have happened had it started on time).

The remaining three walked into the park for one inning, and we were able to get a couple rows back because hardly anyone had waited out the long delay.  We then went to two more bars to watch the finish. 

We also decided that there's nothing wrong with Kate Upton dancing in her underpants.

Long Live "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

A good friend of mine called me up last night close to midnight when I was intent on staying in, but I hadn't seen her in a while so I met her out for a couple.  I was glad I did because the 1980's science fiction classic "They Live" was on starring none other than Rowdy Roddy.  In case you have never seen it, Roddy's character is a homeless man working odd jobs in construction when he discovers an underground rebellion fighting back against aliens who walk among us; You can't see them until you put on some special sunglasses.

Well, it seems Roddy didn't have a friend in the world, so he tried to convince the only guy he really did know, character actor Keith David, to put on these glasses to see for himself all the subliminal messages on billboards and scary alien faces behind the fake flesh.  Unfortunately, Keith wasn't convinced and thought The Rowdy One was nuts, as anyone might, so he wouldn't agree to put on the sunglasses.  This results in a six minute epic fist fight complete with body slams, swinging two-by-fours, and repeated hard knees to the groin.  I just love that director John Carpenter decided that there was no other way to demonstrate the reluctance someone might feel to believe an alien conspiracy then to let loose with an awesome drawn out fist fight!



You all should check it out.

It's also worth having a look at some of the classic 80's episodes of Rody's talk show during WWF broadcasts, "Piper's Pit," in which he would invariably end up beating up his guest.  "Saturday Night Live" really should have mailed him a check because it's the exact same concept as "The Joe Pesci Show."  Get a look at this one where he gives a jobber (wrestler who makes a career out of losing) from Columbus, Ohio a chance to be on the show but then ends up getting frustrated at his lack of success and whips his ass for no good reason. 

I'm Tired of Wicked-Fat People

I'm sorry if I'm alienating readers, but when I'm averaging like 1.2 comments a post, what do I really have to lose at this point?

When I watch the "Biggest Loser" and see these enormously fat people, I think what all of you think, "How in the hell did you let yourself get so mammoth?"  Now, I'm not talking about people 20 or 30 pounds overweight because that happens.  I'm talking about the big ass 300 + pounders.

There are a ton of excuses that wicked-fat people have been using for decades now, and none of them are valid, as you can see:

"It's genetic."  Could be.  Or maybe your parents eat like shit so you didn't know any better.  Now you're an adult so stop eating like crap.

"I'm big boned."  Yes, sometimes people have bigger frames, so there are those people who will never be a size 2 or have that 30 inch waist through healthy and safe means, but when you're 350, the bones have nothing to do with it.

"I eat because I'm depressed."  Maybe so, but try eating right and exercising for just one week and tell me if you're feeling nearly as bad as when you were killing that entire bag of hot chips when you promised yourself you'd only have a few.

"I just don't have time to work out."  I don't care what your job is or what your family obligations may be, you cannot tell me you can't find an hour somewhere in your day 5 days a week for the sake of your own health and lifespan.  Get up an hour early and work out in the morning or go for a run on your lunch hour, but do something.  Sometimes fat people feel embarrassed when they work out, but you know what I say when I see a fat person jogging by the lake?  "Way to go, buddy!  Keep that shit up!" 

"My significant other likes me the way I am."  I guarantee that when she said she likes a man with a little meat on his bones, she did not have three hundy' in mind.

People, we only get one life, and we only get one body.  Do you really want to spend your one life looking like the Michelin Man?  You don't need to go on the "Biggest Loser" and lose 150 pounds in 6 months because that's just not healthy.  You don't need to have unnecessary surgery in the form of stapling your stomach so small that it can only handle so much - it's called just not putting so much damn food into it (try some self-control!)  



Start small.

How about just switching to diet soda?  You don't like the taste?  No?  How do you like your dickie-do?

How about cutting out fast food.  Do you really need that processed crud?  You want grade D meat simply because you don't want to leave the comfort of your own car to feed yourself?

How about cutting out fried foods?  My doctor told me one of my cholesterol levels was slightly high, and that was all I had to hear.  Any time I can get something besides fries, I do it.  Yeah a side salad is not nearly as awesome as some seasoned fries from Bennigans, but my arteries don't get clogged from vinaigrette, and I don't feet like I need an immediate carb nap the way I do after a big-ass plate of fries. 

It's a simple formula: Just don't take in twice as many calories as you burn.  You can manage that.  Yes, you can start small, but it's important that you start today.  Throw out all your bad foods, go for a run, make some promises to yourself, and keep those promises.  Or live your life as the Michelin Man, but I doubt that's what you really want.  

The Word of the Day for 5.2.2012 Is . . .

Caressive

It came up as a suggestion on a spell check I did at work, and I instantly loved the look of it.  It is at first glance just an adjective form of the verb caress, but it's more than that.  It seems like a combination of corrosive (which is not good) and caress (which is sweet and cuddly) so there is a nice dichotomy going on there.

Also, it reminds me of "Last Caress" by Misfits, which doesn't hurt in the least.

When looking up that word just now, I found this one:

Ninnyhammer

That means a "simpleton" or a "silly person."  I'm without a doubt calling my nephews that the next time they are running around giggling and carrying on like a bunch of damn . . .  ninnyhammers.

Hell Hath No Fury LIke a Pollack Scorned

A man in Poland dumped his girlfriend and kept his cleaning appointment with her at the dentist.  Not a good idea.  She put him under, and while he was gassed out, her anger took over, and she just couldn't resist removing every last one of his teeth. 

Now, a few things come to mind here:

1. Why wouldn't he just go to a different dentist?  No one expects someone to do something that twisted, but that's some balls asking her to go through with the cleaning after shit-canning her.  Because it was free, maybe?  What a cheap ass.

2. I heard she can do up to three years in prison for this offense.  Just 3?  I'd say a year for each tooth for a total of 32 would be fair.  Maybe that's a little harsh.  Let's meet halfway and say 16.

3. I also heard that his new girlfriend dumped him when she saw that he no longer had teeth.  Rough week for this fella . . .

4. Another report said that she bandaged him up so that he couldn't see his mouth and told him to take it off when he got home, saying there were some "complications."  With a cleaning?  Who goes unconscious for a cleaning?  The only thing I can think of is that maybe she said it was just laughing gas but slipped on the one that knocked his ass out.  I would never say no to laughing gas.  Wish I had a tank next to me right now, as a matter of fact.  That shit's a blast.

5. If we have learned anything from all of this it is that if you break up with a lady, don't hit her up for free stuff right away and don't be in the same room with her while unconscious while she has pliers in the room.  That should be obvious, right?  Now I know why there are so many Polish jokes . . . .

You can read the article here if you don't believe me.

And now I'm going to post a hot and sexy Polish newscaster with giant boobs in a shameless attempt to get more readership through google searches.  Enjoy.

The Top 5 Reasons People Run Marathons

5. Running is a time to sort you mind out, and most runners will tell you that it's the time where they can think most clearly.

4. It is man versus nature.  It is man versus the open road, and we're drawn to those sorts of conflicts, battles of wills.

3. It promotes good cardiovascular health, and with a race looming around the corner, it motivates us to keep training on those days where we want to sleep in.

2. Once you do a race, you want to do a longer one.  Then when you do a half-marathon, inevitably someone says to you, "Anyone who can do a half can do a full."  That goes in the back of your head, and the next time you want to sign up for another half, you think about that.

1. We run marathons so we can feel superior to people who haven't.  Never mind the rest of the list.  It's mostly just this one.

In a Hurry to Get Your Freak On Is NOT an Excuse to Speed

Zachary P. Ramirez, 21, of Naperville, Illinois found that out the hard way after going 111mph and running a stop sign and a red light (whole story including picture of the idiot here).  When the officer asked why he was going so fast, he said he was in a hurry to go have sex with a girl he likes. 

Now, it seems to me that it's as good an excuse as any, but to be going that fast and disobeying traffic signals knowing you have weed in the car?  That must have been some poonanny . . .

Denver

I'm off to Denver tomorrow after work to spend the weekend with my lady who is flying out from L.A. where she's living for just one more year . . .

Anyone ever been to Denver?  We have no major plans outside of maybe some bike riding, a ballgame, some hiking, a brewery, some dinner, some wine, and catching up.

What's cool is that it's right in between us, so it's just a 2 hour flight for each of us.  If we end up liking it out there, we'll do it again same time next year . . .

When I'm in the Produce Section . . .

. . . I squeeze the mangos to see which one is soft because I need it to be ready to eat before I go out of town for the weekend.  So I was tenderly squeezing each one saying "who's a mushy mango? . . ."

Anyone else do shit like that?

Some Crazy Woman in the Ukraine Altered Herself to Look Like a Barbie Doll

I'm serious.  Check it out.

Why would she do that to herself, and she's only 21-years-old!  Do you think that face of hers is capable of expressing any emotion?

Also, did you watch the cartoon?  How about that bear with the Russian hat on squirting lotion in his hand to wank to virtual porn?

2012 Cubs Game Damn Shame Game One

I'm going to do a blog post for every Chicago Cubs game I go to; this being my first paid year on the season tickets I've been sponging off my friends on for years.

Who Went: Just me and Brutus today.  We traded in our season tickets in the upper deck for some seats in the sun because it was around 30 degrees with the wind.

What I Drank: No beer today with it being a Sunday and a long week ahead of me.  Just one coffee

The Outcome: Cubs lost 4 to 3 to the Reds in pretty lousy fashion.  Soriano had a dropped fly ball and some spectacular big league strikeouts. 

Today's Revelation: I saw that Wrigley awards designated drivers with a Good Sports raffle where the drivers can win things.  I think it would be funny if Brutus and I stumbled in there blind drunk, slurring, belching and hiccuping our way through telling them that we were both each others designated drivers.  "I'm driving (hic) him home and he's (burp) driving me home.  Whaddawe win?  A beer or sumphin'?"

Tonight . . .

. . . I'm doing another podcast with Crom and Southie, and this time we're drinking beers and doing a commentary over "Sex and the City 2," you know, the one where women couldn't even stand it.  That's right.  We're going in and we're not coming out until something funny comes out of it.

Stay tuned . . .

Come on! Let the Kid Take the Porno Actress To His Prom!

Check out this story.

If only he hadn't tipped anyone off, he could have just brought the porn chick at the last minute and not told anyone how she payed her bills.  It turned out all right for this kid from Minnesota because he is having his own party with the porn chick coming, who accepted because she never went to her own prom, and he also had people chanting his name in the hallway and calling him a legend. 

I'm going to have to look up this lady just to make sure she is a real porn actress and not at all because I like porn.  I'm not into that.  I may invite her to something else that maybe she has never been to, as that seems to be the right angle.  Maybe the library?  Church?  Something unlikely like that . . .

If You Don't Have Me On Facebook, You Missed This:

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater: Are these chops supposed to be 3 different colors. Screw it. I love cooking for myself.

Southie: HAHAHAHA burp

DK: I think your grill is home sick because I'm so inept when I cook with him.

S: If you are cooking pork on the grill, it is one of the most difficult meats to cook

DK: Okay, so maybe the neapolitan look wasn't as big a failure as I thought cuz it tasted fine.

S: Let me know tomorrow morning how it went LOL

DK: With any luck I'll have a neapolitan poop. Expect a picture text!

S: Ooooooh the colors!!!

DK:  Taste the rainbow.

Hurry Up and Buy Your Kid a Vibrator Today!

Get a load of this story.  That's me writing again in italics at the end of it.  Look at this kid just buzzing away  . . .

Vibrator For Children

Mattel recently introduced the "Harry Potter Broomstick". It's a battery-powered toy that resembles the flying Nimbus 2000 brooms from the Harry Potter movies. For added effect, the broom makes "flying noises" and vibrates. After a while on the market, concerned parents noticed that mostly young girls seemed to enjoy the toy - especially the vibrating part... Here are some of the customer reviews from the Toys R Us website: Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from NJ This toy was #1 on my daughter's Christmas list. So what the heck, although it has no educational value I figured it would be good for imaginative play. It wasn't until after she opened her gift and started playing with it that I realized that the toy may offer a more than sensational experience. The broomstick has cute sound effects and ***VIBRATES*** when they put it between their legs to fly. Come on---what were the creators of this toy thinking? She'll keep playing with the Nimbus 2000, but with the batteries removed. Reviewer: Ashley from TX My 12 year old daughter is a big Harry Potter fan, and loved the part with the Nimbus 2000, so I decided to buy her this toy. I was afraid she would think it was too babyish, but she LOVES this toy. Even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick! A great buy for any Harry Potter fan! :) Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from Maine, USA I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one. Reviewer: poola13 from Ohio When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too! I reccomend this for all children.   ------------------------------------------------ As you know, here at The Gancer I have found a number of wild stories over the years, but this one is just nuts.  I like how the first parent noticed that the thing is a giant broomstick vibrator, but then all these other parents seemed to think it was perfectly okay for their kid to sit there with the thing between their legs in their bedroom, especially the 17-year-old.   We really don't need to get kids hooked on masturbating when they're 5.  That's what adolescence is for.   Wait, do you think that adult nerds buy this thing and pretend to be horny-ass witches?  That's even scarier to think about than kids masturbating . . .

My Lady and I Got in the World's Dumbest Fight . . .

. . . about where I would put my CD's when we get a place together.  I was drunk and demanding that they be prominently displayed because I like seeing them - they're comforting.  They have been in the basement for too long, and every time I want to hear something that I haven't put onto my iPod yet, I have to go all the way down there.

The next morning we were laughing about how dumb a fight it was, and it was one of those things where we are pretty much agreed on it, but we weren't listening to one another because we both were drastically overserved with pints upon pints of loud mouth soup.

So today I sent her this email:

I went downstairs with my cigar to look for a Pantera CD that I want to play during workouts, and I left the cigar on the ledge outside.  I found that disc and some other gems, but while I was searching, the rain started pouring, putting out my stogie and getting me and my discs all wet on my way back up to the apartment.

That settles it.  The discs will be displayed tastefully in our lovely little apartment.

Love you.

If You're Not Following Me On Twitter, You Missed This:

My girlfriend's roommate has muttenchops and lays his girlfriend to classical music. Chops guys aught to bone to Motorhead.

Why Do We Do This?

You ever get caught in really bad traffic where no one is moving, and it is an unusual time with no construction?  So, you're thinking to yourself, either a bunch of idiots are stopping to look at something or there is an accident of some kind, and you find yourself saying:

"There had better be an accident up here, or I'm going to be so pissed.  If there is not a car on fire up here, or at least an overturned one, I swear to God I'm going to snap.  I mean, there had better be a bunch of dudes with the Jaws of Life trying to pry a mutilated, unidentifiable body out of a Ford Taurus . . ."

So we're hoping for a car accident?

Or maybe that's just me . . .

Today Was . . . Dry

Today was crap.  I screwed something up, defended myself as if I was right, then after a nap realized how stupid and wrong I was.  

But I will say this: I learned a new "hood word" on the West Side.  

Dry.

When you say someone is dry, it means that they have not been laid in a long while.

Example:

Quintel: Man, I've been hittin' it all week, son!

Keywan: No way, dawg.  You dry as hell.

So.  I'm an idiot, but on the bright side, I'm learning. 

I Bumped Into Bono the Other Day . . .

 . . . And you won't believe what he asked of me:

"Let me take a ride with your sister in the rain."

What?  Who asks that, and exactly what are your intentions with my sister on this drive of yours?  Is it your motorcycle because you shouldn't ride one of those in the rain with or without a passenger.

I never trusted that Bono.  I think it's the over-sized fly sunglasses that give me a weirdo vibe. 



-----------------------------------------
*I finished this blog post only to find out that he actually says "Johnny take a dive with your sister in the rain."  Fuck it.  I'm posting it anyway.  

Do You Got Guys?

You need "guys," people you go to when you need something done, like your watch fixed or your chimney cleaned.  Even better is when you're middle aged and you've amassed an armada of guys so when someone has a problem you can tell them, "I got a guy for you."

The best "guy" I ever had at my disposal was a mechanic who would fix things out of his house.  His name sounded like a mechanic, but without using his real name, I'll call him Billy Bracket.  I would drop my car off at his place late at night, leave the key in the visor, and every single time he would call me before 7AM to wake me up to tell me something like, "Yeah, Ken?" (in a thick Chicago accent) "I took a look at your car.  It's got a busted alternator."  Then he would quote me something ridiculously low.  All you had to get these fabulous prices was come in and have coffee with him every few tune ups, which I was glad to do because he was funnier than hell.

One time Billy played me an audio tape of him nailing a broad.  Another time a girl came by when he was taking a look at my car, and I swear I heard them call each other "cousin" more than a few times, yet just as she left, while tightening a screw under the hood, he nonchalantly said, "Yeah.  I've been pluggin' her for years."  His cousin?

I'm making Billy sound like strictly a big ol' pervert, which is not the case because these were the only two such cases I came across.  Generally he was a really sweet guy who was a Vietnam veteran with a number of health problems, and he was really easy to talk to.  I hope he is still going strong and still plugging his cousin.  I haven't heard from him in a long time because he was the "guy" of my girlfriend at the time's father, so I had to let him go when she and I parted ways.

An honest mechanic is great to have, especially when you know nothing about cars except where the key goes because they'll rip you off any time they get a chance.  But not Billy; He was the man.  Here's to you, Billy.  Hope you're taking care of yourself and your customers.  My first Bud tonight is for you. 

How about you, Seven Readers?  You got guys?

Another Weird Guy at the Bar

Last night there was a dude in the bar who came in with an envelope to give to the bartender, which he said was his "sex tape."  Turns out it is a tape of him on "Wife Swap" because he had been telling the bartender girl about it.  Remember Ratner from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High?"  He looked just like him, only he was hunched over.  He told us that his doctor said he has a "lazy back."

Later when we were doing some evil shots of Jameson, due to fricking Southie ordering them up a couple times, just after Rattner downed his, he darted into the bathroom, so we think he may have thrown up.  Still, he kept right on drinking as every good regular should.

I don't know how we got going on this, but he was quizzing me on my 90's rock knowledge, and of course I was killing it.  However, I was really disappointed that I couldn't remember Better Than Ezra.  God, that song was annoying.  Who the hell was Ezra?  And if they are better than him, just how shitty was Ezra?

The other night my lady and I were in Cody's, a great Chicago cozy dive bar, and there were like 3 dogs in there (it's a very dog-friendly bar), and for whatever reason a Filipino man was telling us how he ate dogs when he was a kid.  I thought this was interesting because while I have heard of this a lot, never have I met someone who openly talked about having done it.  He said they would have a pet dog, but then one day their dad would cook him up and they would all eat the son of a bitch.

Naturally, I had some questions, as I always do.  You would imagine he has to skin the thing to get all the fur off, so how do you just skin and gut the family dog after playing fetch and teaching him to sit and shake  all those years?  He explained that it is a third world country, so they had to do what they had to do to survive, which helped it make a little more sense to me.

Then again, I wasn't too sensitive to the subject to ask when a pizza arrived for him if he got any dog toppings on there?  He obviously wasn't offended, thankfully, when he responded, "I wish, bro!"

I really have nothing to say today, but what do you think of this?

My lady and I went out for some Bring Your Own Wine (BYOB) sushi tonight, and on the way home we wanted some dessert.  We stopped into an Italian place hoping to get some flowerless chocolate cake, and when we opened the door, the only people in there were one gay fella who worked there and three friends of his singing show tunes.  He sang to us that they were closed.

His friends urged him to get his ass back into the kitchen to cook us up some dessert, but we didn't want to trouble him - plus he was pretty drunk so he could have badly burned himself.  He did give us a tour, taking my girl by the hand and trying to warm her up (I appreciated the concern).  I told him we could come back in later in the week on Tuesday, but he was admittedly too drunk to enter our reservation into the computer, so he had me do it for him.  On the way out he introduced us to his friends, and for around the 20th time he said how adorable my girlfriend is. 

He said he would give us some free dessert but to be sure to remind him because he was well aware that he would likely be too drunk to remember him.  I'm looking forward to Tuesday.  Better brush up on my show tunes . . .

Tournament of Bad

I have been listening to a Chicago sports radio show that is doing a "Tournament of Bad," which is like March Madness only really crappy things in the world competing against each other in a tournament with people voting for the worst ones that advance through each bracket.  The Final Four were White Crayons, Wet Socks, State of Pennsylvania and No Turn on Red.

I decided to fill out my own bracket.  Here's what I came up with . . .

In the Bob Rohrman Schaumberg Ford bracket, I got No Ketchup on Hot Dogs Militants advancing to the final four, with some very close games against "Neighborhood" Cats and Pageant Moms.

Over in the Tilted Kilt regional I really had some problems because there are so many crappy ones.  Smell of Burnt Popcorn, People Who Still Write Checks, Taking Pics of Your Food are all bad . . . I'm going with The Smell of Burnt Popcorn because that just lingers all day at work.  Such a bonehead move that we all have to smell.

Up in the Townstone Financial section, I gotta say that I like Gym Teachers, Sharing a Hotel on Company Trips, Marathon Runners Who Brag, Self-Thrown B-Day Parties . . . Yeah.  That's the one.  People who throw their own parties are annoying, and even worse are the people who have multiple days, like before the party you go out to dinner and they pick a pricey ass place, or even worse, a tapas style place where everyone passes around tiny little expensive plates that you feel bad eating too much of, so you just have a tiny bite, but all you want to do is eat one entire sausage dish because it's the only one you like . . .

Last but not least we got the Menards bracket where I have Unsalted Nuts, Using the Word "Supposably," and Sporting Event Marriage Proposals all making a good showing, but in the end, Burning the Roof of Your Mouth was just too much for them to handle.

Then in the Final Four . . .

I got No Ketchup on Hotdogs militants edging out Burnt Popcorn smell in a nail biter.

Then I got Self Thrown Birthday Parties beating Burning the Roof of Your Mouth pretty handily.

In the final, Self Thrown Birthday Parties beat up on No Ketchup on Hotdog Militants.

What do you think, Seven Readers?  Anyone want to give me their Final Four in the Tournament of Bad?

Tonight my volleyball team played one of those independent teams where none of the players know each other, and they only had one male player this evening.  And he was old.  Really old, like maybe knocking on 70.

I told a guy on my team that we might want to watch out because would if he took a dip in that pool from "Cocoon?" 

Percy

I went out yesterday for St. Patty's Day with HLP and Jumper, and we ended up at Duffy's, a bar that used to be our hangout when we were the age of the people who still go there.  Sometimes we get feeling drunk and all powerful and invincible and think we need to go back to our old school spots.  Yes, we felt like the chaperones in that joint, but we still had fun.

There used to be a middle aged Black guy at Duffy's who was always wearing a giant white fur coat.  I thought for sure he was a pimp, but Jumper talked to him all the time and got a business card from him.  Turns out he sold those awesome coats, or maybe that was just his front for the IRS and he really was a pimp-daddy.  Who knows.

I got wondering what happened to old Percy, so straight away I asked our waitress, and she said "Who the fuck is Percy?"  I wasn't going to quit there.  I asked a few more folks, and no one had any clue what I was talking about.  I was on the case now, canvassing the joint for information like Columbo.  Jumper Houdini'd out of the bar suddenly, so now it was up to HLP and myself to find Percy's whereabouts.  I thought I had a good lead when I saw a 40-something looking guy who was there by himself trying to mack on the dance floor.  He said he comes in there all the time, and he looked to be around Percy's age, but even he didn't know our furry friend.  Damn it! 

If you have any information leading to tracking down Percy, I'm offering a reward, maybe a fur coat or a vodka Red Bull, but not top shelf, we're talking well here. 

Felony Franks

Did you know there is a place on the south west side of Chicago called Felony Franks where the owner makes it a point to hire people who are ex convicts?  They owner plans on franchising them all over the country with 75% being former inmates.

Being a guy who works with young men coming out of prison, I know how hard it is for them to get a job.  Many of us are able to click "no" when an application asks if we've ever been convicted of a felony, but wouldn't that be a bitch if you had to check yes?  I have seen some kids who can't find a job anywhere, and though they wish there was another way, they go right back into "the game" that got them in trouble to begin with. 

You can get a "Misdemeanor Wiener" at Felony Franks 7 days a week.   I think I may check it out soon, Seven Readers.  Make mine charred with celery salt, sweet peppers, and tomatoes on a poppy seed bun with cheese fries and a Coke.  And a convict.

Smokin' Hot First Ladies! Owwww!

I noticed last night that I had bookmarked an online article from Men's Health entitled "Hottest First Ladies," and I had planned on blogging about it, so here goes. 

Helen “Nellie” Taft (1909-1913)

 Get a load of this piece of ass, huh?  Did you know that Taft was also the all time fattest president (he once got stuck in his bathtub), so ol' Helen was also a bit of a chubby chaser.

Grace Coolidge (1923-1929)

Apparently Coolidge was a boring dude, but his wife was a lot of fun.  It says she loved baseball and even spent a lot of time in the Red Sox dugout.  It didn't say anything about what she was doing with the ballplayers in the dugout, but I think they were kissing her on the strikes and she was kissing them on the balls. 

Martha Washington (1789-1787)

 A painting?  What a rip-off!  I can't really tell if she's hot from a painting, and what's worse, I can't tell if she has a nice booty either with that giant, poofy dress.  Still, remember George never told a lie?  It was said that Martha's dad confronted a young George who had just been shtupping her.  George said, "I cannot tell a lie.  I popped her cherry."  True story.  Look it up. 

Betty Ford (1974-1977)

 Here we see Betty Ford playing field hockey, probably drunk off her ass.  That's right, she was the alcoholic first lady who later founded the Betty Ford Clinic when she cleaned up.  And got boring.  

Michelle Obama (2009-)

You have to admit that she's pretty fine.  And fit!  I think she'd beat me in arm wrestling.

Jacqueline Kennedy (1961-1963)

 Okay, game over!  Put your stupid paintings away because no First Lady has come even close to this fine.  When I typed "First" just then, I accidentally wrote "Fist," so that goes to show you where my mind goes when I see this picture.  Then we have the nude ones . . . 

These were the pictures famously published by Hustler magazine.  I really can't come up with a funnier caption than the one used where I found these pics online: " As you can see, even though she was a lifelong Democrat, she still supported bush."  

Okay, that's it, Seven Readers.  Who do you vote for?  Any write-ins?  Cast a vote.  For America.

Here's What Have I Learned About Slash and G N' R from Reading the Slash Autobiography . . .

1. Slash met David Geffen many times as a little kid through his parents.  Geffen would sign him years later without knowing at first that he knew Slash.

2. Slash's mom was dating/sleeping with David Bowie for quite a while.

3. When Guns were on the club circuit, they had a tiny studio space they rented and built a bunk to sleep in.  One night, Izzy and Slash were in the same bunk taking turns sleeping with a girl, and Izzy shot a load on Slash's leg on accident, prompting Slash to say, "We gotta get a bigger place, man."

4. Drummer Steven Adler was living with a Swedish porn actress who was very "accommodating," and the two and Slash would have "terrific threesomes."

5. Slash got busted in a car with a friend who had a needle on him, and he had to go to jail.  He spent three days in county suffering through cold turkey heroin withdrawals before Axl bailed him out.  It was only later that he found out the charge was for an unpaid jaywalking ticket.

6. Duff lived next door to Sly from Sly and the Family Stone who would come by to use Duff's bathroom.  He would be in Duff's bathroom anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours doing PCP and all sorts of other drugs and then just left.

7. Slash was given his nickname by actor and family friend Seymore Cassel who said he was "always in a hurry, zipping around from one thing to another."

8. There.  Now you probably don't have to read the book.  It has a couple of great stories, but it's not nearly as entertaining as Ozzy.  Go read that.  You'll find he is just about the funniest guy alive, musician or otherwise.  Actually, I lent it to my neighbor, and I better damn well get it back, as I plan to reread it some day.

This Big Goober Can't Read for Shit

 Get a look at this video.  This is a clip of some DJ's making fun of Tyler Hansbrough from the Pacers trying to read "Chicken Little" to some kids in Indiana.  HLP (Heterosexual Life Partner) told me about this thing over some beers and Zubaz, and watching it today for the first time, I laughed so hard that I nearly shot Mountain Dew out of my noes, which is weird because I haven't done the Dew in years.  Here's some things that are awesome about this chronological order (be sure to turn off the music player on the right before hitting play).

1. Ironically, In the first line of the story he says that Chicken Little was not the brightest chicken in the coop. 

2. He says "a corn fell," but it's "acorn."  Wow.  You dumb-dumb!!!

3. His reading is so choppy and obviously at around a 5th grade level, so just how in the hell did he attain a bachelors degree from North Carolina University?  I'm quite sure the readings for his Western Civilization class were a little more advanced than "Chicken Little."

4. At 2:04, he messes up "farther" and "further," which would be okay in an interview, but when you're reading it?

5. And then at 3:15, he says "grasps" instead of "gasps."  Good lord, you dumb billy!

6. At 3:50, he says "squashy" instead of "squishy."  I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that's just the way it's written, but given all his other errors . . .

7: At 4:00, he says "libarian," as in minus the "r."  God, I really hate that tragic error.

8: At 4:10, they play him saying "In-i-anna Pacers," as in minus the "d," a couple times in a row.  This might be where I laughed the hardest because he plays for the damn team in the damn city and can't say it right!

9. I probably wouldn't poke fun at this guy so much because there are lots of people with reading difficulties, but in last night's game against my beloved Bulls, he shoved Brian "The White Mamba" Scalabrine.  There is no need to shove the garbage-time bench player who gets a standing ovation from the crowd just because he's a goofy-looking ginger who barely plays, especially since Hansbrough's illiterate ass was down 20 at the time.  Maybe we have Tyler and White Mamba in a reading contest, live from the "libary." 

's

Watching all these episodes of "The Wire" has given me a new found respect for both undercover cops and successful criminals, and I have decided I would totally suck in a career as either.  But which one would I be suckier at . . .

Detective Kenneth Noisewater: After moving up the ranks of Chicago's parking meter investigation unit, Noisewater was promoted to homicide.  Before he could solve his first case, he was stripped of his gun and his badge, literally.  While canvasing the neighborhood of the scene, he was given a beating, a wedgie, and was stripped down to his undies by 7 minors (pretty young ones too) in the courtyard of a housing project on the West Side.

Kenny "Boo Boo" Noisewater: Kenny started a life of crime at a young age and was in and out of juvenile detention centers for most of his childhood, where the constant scrapes and bruises earned him the nickname of Boo Boo.  On his 18th birthday, he caught a case for trying to pull an ATM machine out of the ground with his pickup truck.  While he was successful at dismounting it, it was heavier than he bargained for, and without an accomplice to lug it into the cab, he attempted to drag it southbound on Western Avenue.  35 calls came into 9-1-1 about some idiot tugging a big box down the street at 35 miles per hour with sparks shooting everywhere.  He plead guilty to theft and 3 other charges and was sentenced to 5 years in Cook County, where he was given a new nickname: Kenny "Stretchy Anus" Noisewater.

Ever Wonder What Would Happen . . .

. . . if the whole world farted at once? 

When you start to type that into google, right when you get to the whole world, it knows where you're going with it.  The first thing that comes up is Yahoo answers, and these are the funniest and most insightful answers.

1. "it would be the funniest end of the planet in the universe, and the aliens would get a right laugh."

• 3 years ago 22% 2 Votes

2. "You'd probably be able to see a green, stinky cloud arise from Earth that could be seen from space. Nasa could contain the gases and do research on our diets.

How could that happen, though? Consider the time zones. Would some be farting in their sleep?

On the other hand, you'd be able to hear a funny and loud noise that would be a lifelong treasure if you video taped it. I'd be video taping as I farted...now that's what I call multitasking!"

3 years ago.  11% 1 Vote

3. "After 10 seconds - 1 hour (depends on your farting ability again!) The gases and stuff would go into the atmosphere and a bunch of old scientists with funny moustaches would tell us that we sped up global warming by 1 million years . . . . DAMMIT now we only have 998 million years to go before we all burn alive . . . .

I could be a story teller couldn't I . . . with a failing career and lack of talent . . ."

• 3 years ago.  11% 1 Vote 

 

Personally, all I can think of is "I'd like to teach the whole world to fart.  In perfect harmony . . ."  It's really quite a beautiful exercise in world unity, isn't it?  Should we hold hands in a Hands Across America type deal first? 

So My Girlfriend And I Were Talking About Anal Bleaching . . .

. . . and she found an ad that said "So you want to to make your chocolate spider a vanilla spider."

Uh Oh. I Think I'm Annoying . . .

I saw a story on Yahoo news about annoying habits people have at work, and I'm curious how I stack up.  Let's have a look . . . 

Topping the list among men, 41% are turned off by co-workers' body odor. Nearly as many women think their colleagues could do better in the hygiene department, about 38%. 

I think I'm okay here.  I mean, my odor isn't offensive or anything.  I will say that when I play basketball in the morning, I don't have time to shower so I smell like Axe Body Spray, which is kinda douchey - but not offensive.

Women are most likely to be annoyed when another steals credit for their ideas. This peeve is number one on the list for 41% of all women (and 36% of men). Perhaps because younger employees are less likely to speak up for themselves on the job, 44% of 18-34 year-olds, both men and women, say this is really ticks them off. 

I don't do this at work.  I have, however, been listening to a lot of sports radio lately and pawning off opinions of the radio guys as my own.  Terrible, right?

What's another common complaint? Not surprisingly, given the lack of privacy in most workplaces, about a third of workers (33% of women and 31% of men) are irked by hearing a colleague's loud, personal telephone conversations.

I try not to do a whole lot of this.  To me, that's kind of a no-no.  Wait, maybe I'm not as annoying as I thought . . .

According to the survey, the lunchroom is a minefield of annoying behaviors. Men and women are equally aggrieved when someone swipes their food out of the office refrigerator-27% report this is their biggest complaint. And, if you were thinking of eating that onion pizza or garlicky meatball sub on the job, perhaps you should save it for the weekend. It will seriously gross out 13% of your male and 12% of your female colleagues.

 Come on, man!  Rifling other people's sack lunches out of the fridge?  I don't do that, but I do "borrow" some hot sauce if there is some in there.  I don't like to eat stinky stuff at work.  That's horrible.

I'm very, very annoying at the bar, but I'm okay at work, as it turns out.  At the bar I dance like an idiot, I poke you in the ribs thirty times to tell you something, I scream loudly to stuff I don't even like (see Bon Jovi), I buy the round of gross shots you don't want, and I call you a sissy when you try to go home because I want more drinking buddies around to make me feel a little less like a pathetic loser.

But yeah, at work I'm totally not annoying.  

Crustacean Castration

Actually, more of a vasectomy. Here is an interesting story along with some theories I personally have about lobster penis punishment.

Castrated by Lobsters

This idiot not being able to have kids is good for mankind. Would if we dropped a few live lobsters down the pants of anyone who steals anything. When you're caught, you get tied up for 2 minutes, and we let the lobsters decide your fate. If there is no damage to your genitals, you get off easy with the jail time. If there is significant damage to your junk, you go free, maybe walk a little funny, but no making any baby thieves for you.

I think this is not a bad idea. Actually, how about each offense you have on your record is another lobster down there, thus upping the chances that repeat offending criminals don't procreate! This is the sort of plan that will seem a little strange at first, but you'll thank Dr. Ken generations letter when the lobsters have gradually reduced theft. Also, we should probably mark down the prices of lobsters that have been down all the sweaty thief pants . . .

Drunken Weekend Wrap-Up

Friday Night:

I wanted to stay in to save money and avoid too much boozing, so I settled in with a bottle of wine and some NBA basketball. Just when I was so bored that I couldn't even take it anymore, Oats called me up and told me he was in a cab down the street from my house.

He had some friends in town, and they were a good time. We ended up at a 4AM bar, getting hammered, ordering beef sandwiches at Brothers Beef and watching "Glory."

Saturday Night

I watched my 10-year-old nephew crush in his basketball game. I'm proud of the little ginger.  Kid can ball, son! He's aggressive as hell, like on of the Bad Boys on the '88 Pistons. Then we played Pictionary with the whole family, and it was me, grandpa, and 10-year-old versus sister, grandma, and 6-year-old. We blew a huge lead, largely due to the fact that I couldn't draw a convincing enough bum.

My buddy Guile was in town from the suburbs, so he and I met over at HLP's place for cocktailing and dubstep music, a form of music that I need to get my hands on for workouts. Turns out it's also good boozing music.

The idiots dancing outside the liquor store in this clip are dancing to dubstep stuff.

Anyone ever use the autotone application on their iPhone where you can make stupid T-Pain songs from any phrase you say into the phone, picking from various background music? I made a song called "Does it smell like fish?" based on a now famous statement from an East St. Louis stripper who was smoking a cigarette on stage. And not with her mouth . . .

Then we went to Liars Club where I moshed around the room to the Misfits in a Randy "Macho Man" Savage mask that was inexplicably but thankfully at the bar.

Then back at Oats place with Brothers Beef again, only this time watching "28 Days Later," my favorite art house zombie flick, Oats heeded a 4AM booty call. He came home the next morning, already late for work, to find me sleeping in his bed with my shoes on.

Sunday

I stayed in all day and watched City of God with two Italian beef sandwiches, and it only just now dawned on me that they were my 3rd and 4th of the weekend, not to mention like 25 beers. I need some of that dubstep shit and a heavy workout today . . .

The Biz VS The Ken

Here's a text message conversation between myself and my good friend, Big Business, with topics ranging from the Chicago Bulls, cheerleaders, balls, and all kinds of other great stuff.

Dr. Ken: Watching the game online. Lovables r all grenades. They make up for their thunder thighs with their beat faces.

The Lovables are the Bulls cheerleaders.

Big Bizznazz: No. I like chunky chicks a lil' bit.

DK: I suppose I like them the way they r. That is just a little Midwest winter weight. I'd cuddle them all.

BB: Chubby ones tend to pay more attention to ball than skinny ones. Maybe the heavy ones feel like they have to?

BB: Like they sit and listen to their skinny friends say shit about not touching their boyfriend's nuts, and they figure if they do, they can get guys cuz skinny chicks aren't paying attention to the balls.



DK: Most attention to balls seems fleeting, just to say they did it, but I really like the ones out there who love a good bean bag.

BB: Oh yeah. The ones that treat it's a waffle cone and ice cream is dripping out of it.

BB: Like they move the wang out of the way just to get to the balls. Now, that's dedication to the balls.

DK: Haha! These girls got a lot of ass in those shorts. Like you can pull the shorts down slow and booty pops out of there like a magician's flowers.

BB: They're chunky, indeed. Like you can hear the shorts come off.

DK: Big Sexy used to pork 2 in the showers nightly. Both Bulls bigs had 15 or 16 boards.

Kurt "Big Sexy" Thomas played for the Bulls last season (seen below).

BB: Yeah. Double doubles are in recognition of the cheerleaders' behinds.

DK: Haha! In remembrance of Big Sexy's postgame shower ritual.

DK: He has Old Spice ejaculate.

BB: Big Sexy definitely ejaculates solid deodorant sticks.

This last part of the convo gets a little weird, but I know I laughed my ass off.

L.A. Recap

As some of you know, my girlfriend, the lovely Miss LSD, is living in Los Angeles for 2 years while going to graduate school. We had a monthly visit in L.A. over the weekend, and here's what I learned: I love my lady, and I love The Rainbow more than any bar outside of Chicago. Lemmy and Ron Jeremy are there almost every night, Lemmy by the bar playing video poker and drinking Jack and Cokes and Ron in his own booth with another booth for his big, old, hairy penis.

On this night, Chuck Zito and Leatherface were in there. Some dude I didn't know said, "Do you want to meet Leatherface?" I thought it a little strange because, while I am a fan of horror movies, I'm not a big enough fan to bother the dude who played Leatherface. Too late, the guy had already motioned for me to follow him. When we get to Leatherface's table, he is huge, standing around 6'6", but he looks way younger than he should be. I shook his hand and told him how much I loved his work, especially when he plunks that poor guy in the head with the hammer. He muttered to the friend that introduced me something to the effect of "What are you my publicist?," and turned around back to his friends. I said that he didn't seem too friendly, and the guy that brought me back there said, "Yeah. We don't really get along." Then why in the hell did you drag me back here to meet this big jerk? And it wasn't even the original Leatherface. It was the one in the remake and the same dude who played Lattimer in "The Program." Well, better that I just played it cool and didn't what I really think of him. I mean, have you seen this scene?

Hate F'ing, 2nd and Final Chapter

Well, folks. Below you will find the second half of the Hate F'ing podcast (part one is a couple of posts ago). As a reminder, Hate F'ing is when you sleep with someone out of anger. The way we came up with our totals was have all participants list their submissions, we discussed, and then all entries were voted on by the group to see if they made it through to the finals (the lady needed 3 out of the 4 thumbs up to get through, not counting vote of the person who suggested the name). We then rated each of the 13 finalists one to 13, with the lowest score being the best (sort of like an NFL Confidence Pool) and added up all of our totals.

And here is the master list of most Hate F'able Famous Women in the Free World from last place to first (remember that a low score wins, like golf).

12. Sarah Silverman - 43 points

11. Paula Abdul - 41 points

10. Heidi Moutag - 39 points

9. Jessica Simpson - 37 points

8. Kristen Stewart - 37 points

7. Paris Hilton - 36 points

6. Chelsea Handler 34 points

4th and 5th (tie) Fran Drescher and Miley Cyrus (tied with 33 points

3. Ce'line Dion - 24 points

2. Sarah Palin - 17 points

1. Casey Anthony - 14 points.

Yes, Casey killed her kid, so that gave her a big edge in the hate department, being the only murderer on the list. Still, we congratulate you, Casey. And we hate you, but I'm sure you'll get that painful Hate F'ing or jail time (or both) that you deserve (like O.J.).

Remember, we're not evil, just a bunch of dudes who got together with booze and a bad idea. Also, you have to turn my music player off on my blog to along the right panel before hitting play. If you double click in the MP3, it will download to your iTunes, and if you just hit play, it will just play.

Happy Hate F'ing and Happy Valentines Day, everyone!

I Was Telling My Shrink the Other Day . . .

. . . That I don't like people who aren't funny. That's too strong. I don't dislike them - they're not bad people - I just prefer to surround myself with funny people. I feel no sense of curiosity around the unfunnies as to what might be the next thing they might say when nothing funny ever comes out of them. Maybe they'll give me important tips or advice, but how often does that really happen. Hardly ever, right? So better just to not listen or half-listen.

Then again, crazy is the next best thing to funny. When someone is totally of their nutter, then the do say some interesting stuff, albeit totally insane.

Now, funny with a healthy amount of crazy is really what I like. That's the best of both worlds, and that's pretty much what I am. This is evidence by the fact that I write funny stuff (that's the funny side) and I just said I see a shrink in the title (there you have your crazy).

I just hope I'm as funny as these guys when I'm their age.

Hate F#cking: Part One

Yes, hate f#cking - when you hate someone so much that you want to give them a rough rodgering. I hope you enjoy this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it. As always, be sure to pause the music player on the right panel before hitting play. If you want to download it to your iTunes for some interesting conversation during your morning commute, double click where it says MP3, and if you just want to listen here on the blog, just hit the play button. Part 2 will go live in a week or so. Happy hate f#cking, everyone!

The Grudge

I got my boys coming over a podcast tonight. The topic: Top 5 Grudge F$%ks. Yes, women you hate so much that you want to give them a good rogering to teach them a lesson. Yes, it's horribly sexist, but what do you expect when you get a bunch of dudes together away from their girlfriends and load them up with beer?

This is your last chance to submit some names. They'll be here in a little bit . . .

Great Time for a Caption Contest

I saw this picture on Facebook, and it's just dying for a caption. "What's going on here?" is the caption used on FB, so you can't use that one - even if it's just about the funniest possible one.

James Douglas, no more lurking. I'm specifically thinking you could get a win here . . .

Great Big Fat Person

There's nothing sexier than when your man leans in really close and slowly asks you the following: "Oh wait, was she a great big fat person?"